Precious Pills
by Kaline Reine
Summary: My chest feels unusually tight like it's constricting all around me. That's so confusing... Like, I'm tired? And it feels like there's no more air in the room and I'm suffocating. Or floating? Not sure... I feel lighter, and it's something close to drowning. Peaceful and blissful... I'm drifting away. I'm not even alarmed about it. It's so serene and calm... ItaSasu Yaoi fic.


**Precious Pills  
by Kaline Reine**

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, or any of the characters/settings. They belong to Masashi Kishimoto. This is just a fanfiction story. I also don't own the song used, 'Trying Not To Love You' by Nickelback.

WARNINGS: Contains Yaoi, M/M, two guys, gay stuff, etc. Also incest, specifically Uchihacest, major adult content, sexy tiemz, drug abuse (hence the title), other stuff that might be illegal, bad things, and whatever else I decide to throw in. Just a fair warning, so if you aren't into that or can't deal with it, don't read this. If you're nodding your head and drooling happily at this point, then by all means enjoy.

Notes: This story is written as a 'special request' for BlackBeta13. She wanted an ItaSasu songfic using this song. Hope you like it, hun! ;)

* * *

I gaze restlessly at the moonlit sky through my window... I wonder what will happen; when I'll be able to finally confess the truth. I feel sick to my stomach and there is a slight pain in my chest. I'm being weighed down with the burden of this terrible and horrifying secret. Restlessly, I close the blinds and turn onto my side with my back to the wall.

I wish I knew how to tell him... But that's something I'll never know how to do. I want things to be different between us, but the forbidden longing is something I cannot fathom. He just seems impossible to talk to and I'm always on edge around him. My own brother, and I don't even feel like I can talk to him. Great.

The truth is... I'm tired of living here. With him. Sick of being his puppet. I always do everything he tells me to do and I'm not even sure why. It's frustrating...

I know that I should probably try to sleep, and I am. I feel restless and I don't even know why. I spend way too many nights like this and it's starting to show with the slight dark circles under my eyes. I just hope no one else notices. Tch. If they do, it's not my problem. I'll just say I was up all night studying and they'll buy it. I've spent many nights just like this.

Everyone except _him_. He knows better.

I sigh and close my eyes... This is a cycle that just repeats. I'll have to find a way to beat this insomnia somehow. Determined to get some sleep after thinking over all of these pointless things, my eyes shoot open at the sound of his voice.

"Sasuke..." It's strange that his voice still comes out as a purr, even though he's more or less yelling from another room. "Can you come in here? Otouto?"

_**You call to me, and I fall at your feet  
How could anyone ask for more?  
And our time apart, like knives in my heart  
How could anyone ask for more?**_

I freeze, stricken with fear at the sudden and odd request. He's in his bedroom, I realize. Carefully I get out of bed. My door opens with a slight creak and I wander down the long ominous hall to his room at the end. Of course Itachi got the master bedroom of our shared apartment. There was no arguing about it. That's just how things are. I don't even fully understand why I'm even worried about making noise. No one lives here but us.

Creeping out from the shadows, I lightly tap at his door. "Itachi?" My voice comes out as a faint whisper.

"Come in."

He sounds so serious. His voice is low and raspy. I have no clue what he wants. This is not a regular occurrence. Not since we were kids, anyway. Since we've moved into our apartment together, I haven't really spent much time in his room.  
Nervously I step through the portal leading into his darkened room, closing the door behind me. It clicks shut and I can just barely make out a faint silhouette beckoning me closer. It's hard to see anything. I'm kind of afraid I'll do something stupid, like trip over the clothes scattered messily around his floor, or hit my knee on his nightstand. Somehow, I stumble my way clumsily to the bed...

"What is it, Aniki?"

I still call him by the affectionate Japanese term for beloved older brother... And he still calls me his little brother. We've been on relatively good terms since we've gotten our place together. Two people working and earning income is always better than one. Since neither of us have anyone else we can stand to be around for more than a short time, this is the best possible outcome for both of us. That is what we convinced each other of.

And I played along. Like the liar I am.

"Lie down. Let's talk."

Nervous little butterflies swim in my stomach as he pulls me closer to him. We're facing each other, while lying on his bed only a breath apart. This is such strange behavior from him, I can barely understand what he's up to.  
"W-what are you doing?" I stutter nervously.

His hand gently brushes my hair out of my face and I can feel him shift on the bed. He turns to face me. My eyes are starting to adjust to the dim lighting now, and I find myself just looking at him. My brother really is gorgeous. Pale porcelain skin that mesmerizes anyone he comes to into contact with, complimented by a silky black curtain of hair... His eyes are lit like small rubies. They're such a rare color. Even the scars running down from side of his face at an angle only add to his good looks.

"I've been wanting to talk to you about this for a long time, precious Otouto..."

Did he seriously just call me 'precious little brother'? What is wrong with him?

"What's going on? I don't-"

I felt his hand slip behind my head, his fingers tangling through my hair, gripping the onyx spikes tightly. He pulls me in close and... His lips are pressing against mine. The kiss is forceful at first, but then it becomes gentle when he realizes that I'm not pulling away.

Who wouldn't want to kiss such a beautiful, sexy individual? Itachi was practically a god. There's no way in hell I would miss this chance! Hell is exactly where I'll probably go for this anyway. Kissing my own brother, in such a sinful way, like a lover... I always do what he says, no matter what it is. He's my older brother who I look up to. I always have, and I know I always will. Itachi is fully capable of bending me to his will. I know it and he knows I know it.

His hands glide over my chest and down my side, pausing for only a moment to toy with my nipples before continuing on their journey downward. He pauses just below my navel, gently petting the skin of my lower stomach. I know where he's trying to go, though I don't get why he would do something like this.

"Nii-san!" I manage to gasp.

"Otouto..." His voice is soft and low. "I want to ask you for something..."

He slides his hands down my back and over my ass, giving it a slight squeeze through my boxers. I know what he wants... But for some reason, this just doesn't seem right. It feels right. That isn't the problem. I've always had a deep connection with Itachi and I know we feel the same way. It's just getting past the fact that we're brothers that's going to be the hard part.

"Itachi, I don't know..." Is my weak reply. That's pathetic, but it's the best response I can come up with.

With a growl of desperation, he thrusts against me and I see that's not the only thing that's hard. I can't help but groan a little at the feeling of his member rubbing against my own hardness. It's so hard to say no...

"Relax. I don't want to do anything right now."

I breathe a small sigh of relief. Part of me is glad, but part of me is still wishing he would continue. Why do I feel this disappointed about something that I don't want to happen?

"Aniki, I won't lie. I'm afraid..."

"Hn. Understandable. I want to ask you something, and you must be completely honest." I nod, and he smiles. It's faint, but it's there. "I want you to be my submissive."

"What do you mean 'your submissive'?"

"I mean..." He growls, getting closer to my ear. "You're already subservient to me. You do everything I ask of you anyway... And it's not so much of a secret that you and I both need release now and then, right? Well I don't know about you, but I'd really like the opportunity to fuck the hell out of you now and then."

His tongue darts out to lick the edge of my earlobe, and his warm breath sends shivers through me. And just like every other time, I can't say no to him...

"I can't..." I struggle to maintain composure, when all I really want to do is to melt into his touch. "I can't say no."

Itachi smirks. He knows he's won again. "Then that's a yes. Not tonight. We both need a little time to get used to the idea. Like with anything else, we will have rules."

"What kind of rules?"

"This will be purely physical. We will tell no one. Think of it as a friends with benefits situation. We will stay brothers in public, hiding our affection around others. We can't risk getting too emotionally involved. And if one of us does, we must tell the other right away so we can stop this. I'm sorry, but sometimes I feel like I just have to have you. That being said," He sighs deeply. "I'll understand if you say no..."

My heart sinks when I realize that he's listing things off so automatically... It's like he's done this a thousand times before. Maybe that's just because he's rehearsed it. Could it be that he's nervous? Usually when he seems this composed it's because he's dying inside from nervousness... I'm not one of his flings. I can see right through it. And the fact that he knows I can has got to be unnerving for him.

"I still can't say no..." I am so eager to agree with this it's not even funny. But I don't care. The person that I idolize wants to fuck me, and I'm not saying no. "I'm a little hesitant, but... We both want the same thing. So why not?"

I'm such a liar. But like any good liar, I must maintain the illusion of honesty above all else. And I know this.

He doesn't say anything, but kisses me deeply. Our tongues entwine and it feels like heaven. I shiver with need, and it makes me wish he would actually do something tonight. I need release now, not in a few days. I'm not really seeing the point in waiting. But whatever makes him happy, I guess.

"Come back tomorrow night. And each night I call for you."

I nod, and somehow get the message that he is ready for me to leave. "So I'll see you tomorrow then..."

_**But if there's a pill to help me forget,  
God knows I haven't found it yet  
But I'm dying to, God I'm trying to...**_

He lets me go, and I roll out of his bed. I'm blushing like mad. I can only hope he can't see so well in the dark. For some reason, I don't want him to know.

Itachi chuckles under his breath as I back out of his room, barely able to even keep my balance. I walk back to my own room, and curl up into a little ball. I don't know what to even think right now, but I feel tired and so at least I can finally sleep.

I spend the rest of the night listening to him moaning my name and making the bed squeak a little. I know he's jacking off. It's getting to me too and I wish I had relief. But for some reason, the only release I want to feel is when he takes me. I've wanted him in so many ways ever since I can remember. And now that it's about to actually happen, it's the only thing I want...

* * *

This has been going on for so long now... The days seem to run together. Even though each night is slightly different, it's becoming all the same to me.

I should be happy. I'm getting exactly what I want. Though lately I'm beginning to find it's only what I thought I wanted. Losing touch with myself is so difficult. Everything is siraling out of control, and it feels like I'm lost in the darkness. It closes in around me and I find that I no longer care.

The light in my room is out. I hold the bottle up to the dim light from the hall. I think my brother is still awake. I have a glass of water by my bed at all times, and this time it's no different. It's so dark that I can barely make out the word 'Morphine' printed legibly on the bright orange bottle. I swallow another pill, even though I've already taken some earlier. I close the white cap, resolving not to take any more tonight.

I was originally prescribed the painkillers for tension headaches. Wile the headaches are long gone, an urgent need to continue taking the medication has replaced them. And I do get headaches... Whenever I don't take the pills. The problem? Nothing can kill this kind of pain. It comes from my heart.

_**'Cause trying not to love you, only goes so far  
And trying not to need you, is tearing me apart  
Can't see the silver lining, from down here on the floor  
And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for'  
Cause trying not to love you  
Only makes me love you more  
Only makes me love you more...**_

I'm lying in my bed, restless... I'm lying... Always the liar. Wanting someone to save me from this mess I've made for myself. I can't say no to him.

It's been a few weeks since my brother and I got involved. I can't even tell how long it's been since it started. The things he does to me are crazy and intense. But it's the most passion I've ever felt for someone. I've always enjoyed being alone. Now it's different; all I crave is his company.

"Sasuke..." He calls me again, in that seductive yelling purr of his. How does he even do that?

I thought we weren't going to do this tonight. That's why I put on my dorky green and blue plaid pajamas and got ready for bed. Normally I'd sleep shirtless, but I've spent so much time shirtless lately that I decided to wear a T-shirt to bed. Nothing nice, just plain white. Boring. Like me.

I walk out of my room to the familiar door, in spite of myself. I just can't help it. I want so badly to be with him... I'd do it every minute if I could.

I know we said we wouldn't do this. If we get too attached, we're supposed to let each other know. That is our agreement. But I just can't do anything about it.

"Coming, Itachi." I let him know I'm about to enter his room.

"Oh, you're about to be..."

He takes my hand and pulls me onto the bed with him. That's the funny thing. I never know what kind of mood he's going to be into, or stay in. Every night starts differently with us and it usually ends up differently too. We've been fooling around for weeks, and we still haven't gone all the way. He says he doesn't think I could handle it yet. And he may be right, for all I know.

Last night we started out with some light bondage, and by the time the night was over, we sucked each other off. He untied me and we fell asleep in each other's arms. It was nice but I'd much rather sleep in my own room. It's much easier to keep my own emotions at a nice safe distance that way. But whatever, I left in the morning before he woke up, without saying anything.

I like staying numb... There's no pain that way. And I'll do it any way I can.

Itachi gets up and stands by the edge of the bed. He's looking down at me, the gleam in his eyes so sinister... I love it.

"Strip." He commands and I silently obey. By the time his next command comes, all my clothes are gone. "Lie down on the bed."

I'm completely exposed before him. I wish he'd take his clothes off too. But I'm the sub, the bottom, in Japanese the uke; I don't get a say. His bedsheets normally feel a little cool on my skin, but it's not really uncomfortable. Everything is heightened when you're a little afraid. However, the painkillers I just took even more of are known to dull sensations. And that's right because I don't feel a thing. It feels more like I'm lying on fluffy clouds. So nice...

_**And this kind of pain, only time takes away  
That's why it's harder to let you go  
(That's why it's harder to let you go)  
And nothing I can do, without thinking of you  
That's why it's harder to let you go  
(That's why it's harder to let you go)...**_

As soon as I'm down, he pounces on me, straddling my hips. He grabs both of my wrists, quickly securing them to the bedposts with rope. I look up and something catches my attention.

"They're red now?" I'm more or less just thinking out loud. But he answers anyway.

"I got new rope for us to use," He nods. "If that's okay with you. They're made of silk."

I twist my wrists, testing them out a bit. "It's fine... They're nice."

I know he can sense my uneasiness. Sometimes I talk too much when I'm nervous. Which is strange, considering how quiet I normally am. I don't really see the point in complaining much. But I also don't see the point in doing any of this if he's never going to go all the way with me.

He's probably afraid because we're brothers... But that's never mattered to me. I've always treated Itachi like a brother when we were younger. That's because we were friends. I saw him as a much older, attractive friend. One that I was able to be comfortable around no matter what. And now we have this air of discomfort around us, due to the bizarre situation. The feelings it gives me are intense. I love it.

As I said, I am a liar. I'm just as scared as he is... If not more so.

"Uhm..." I swallow nervously when he starts removing his clothes too. "Are we going to... You know? Go all the-"

He silences me with a quick finger to my lips. "Sshhh... Easy, Otouto. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it."

"You always say that, but-"

"Just lie there," Still straddling me, he kisses his way up the side of my neck. "And enjoy what I'm about to do to you. That's all you have to do."

He slowly moves down, leaving a trail of hot kisses down my chest and stomach. When he reached my hips, he moves down low on the bed, positioning himself so he can have better access to my nether regions. My brother's sensual lips tease the tip my cock, and then his tongue darts out to tease just under the head. He's unbelievably good at what he does.

I'm struggling a bit in my bonds. I hate when he does this to me. "You're so mean, Aniki..." I give him my cutest pout to try to change his mind.

It doesn't work. Itachi takes me into his mouth, and very lightly sucks at the tip. It's driving me insane with need. My broken cries go unheeded, however. He engulfs all of it, taking me deeper this time. My cock is as hard as steel by this point. I feel like I could cum just from the feeling of being in his mouth like this, but I know he'll never allow it. He wants to see me suffer, to make me wait until I can't take it anymore before he does anything about it.

As it stands, we still haven't gone all the way. Blowjobs and fingering are the most that we've done so far... But I have a feeling that will change soon. Itachi wouldn't have asked me to be his sub if he didn't plan to make good on his end of our arrangement. I know he wants it just as badly as I do.

"Nnngh! Itachi-nii... I can't stand it anymore, please..."

"Please what?"

I whine loudly. "Mmmm... Please let me cum?"

Without warning, he slips one finger into my ass, my passage encasing it tightly. He's already preparing me with lubricant. A vague strawberry scent fills the room and I know he's chosen the flavored lube this time. I saw it on his dresser, but didn't really think it was for me. I don't know who else it would be for... The thought just hadn't actually occurred to me until now.

"You'll cum when I'm ready," He licks up the underside of my shaft, causing me to shudder. "And not before."

I run my hand lightly along his upper back, while he continues to suck on my hardened member. He plays with my balls and I moan delightedly. I know he is in total control and for some reason, nothing turns me on more than surrendering myself to him.

My brother doesn't know I take pills. That's something I intend to keep a secret. I'm not sure why, but I have the feeling he might be upset with me if he knew. So he has no idea that the only reason I haven't squirted my seed all over his face already is because sensations are still a little dull to me right now. He doesn't seem to notice or mind, so in that sense I'm keeping my mouth shut.

In the literal sense, my mouth is pried wide open by his fingers, gently persuading me to open up for him. When I do, he is straddling my face and begins to slip his enormous cock into my mouth. I give it a good hard suck before he makes me gag on it. I can't do anything, he's humping my face while I all tied down.

This feeling of complete helplessness should scare me, but it doesn't. It's more exhilarating than anything. I moan around it, feeling his member harden even more inside my throat.

"That's a good boy," He stops what he's doing and gets off the bed completely.

I have no idea what he's doing, but I like the feeling of anticipation that always comes with waiting to see what he'll do to me next... Itachi fastens something around my neck and I feel it's a snug fit, but not restricting enough to actually choke me. Close, but no.

"Why am I wearing a collar? This is new."

"I had it specially made, just for you. It's real leather with white topaz accents. Sorry I couldn't afford diamonds, but that will have to do."

I'm not even sure whether to balk at the suggestion that I am like a pet to him, or be amazed that he actually got me something like a gift. Either way I have to wear it. Why not make the best of it?"

I shrug a little. "Thanks, Nii-san."

My brother only chuckles evilly in response. He reaches for something else and I see that it's a leash.

"No way!" I shake my head adamantly from side to side on the plush pillow. "That's where I draw the line!"

Itachi sighs. "It's this or stay tied to the bed the entire time. Up to you, Otouto."

"Fine..."

It didn't take me long to think about it. I'd rather have room to maneuver. And if that's what gets him off, then whatever. I grudgingly let him click the leash onto the collar around my neck. As soon as that's done, and the other end if in his hand firmly, he unties the silken knots around my wrists. I want to rub them but not sure if I'm allowed to, so I don't.

"Turn over." Itachi commands.

I instantly obey, falling to my knees on the bed and placing my hands in front of me. I feel him doing something behind me... Trying to follow Itachi's logic enough to guess what he's going to do next is next to impossible. I no longer strive to figure it out too much. He'd only keep me guessing anyway.

Cool liquid is poured between my butt cheeks and I strain to contain myself. It's such an odd feeling. Soon, my brother's hand is rubbing it in deeper. His fingers lightly grazing over my twitching passage. Finally he dips a single digit inside.

"Anikiii!" I gasp in surprise. "Why?"

"Relax. I've got to prepare you."

I wanted to ask something like 'Prepare me for what?' but I guess that would be obvious. Tonight must be the night we've both been preparing ourselves for. He wouldn't be doing this otherwise. I'm almost relieved, but mostly I'm just a little bit afraid. I'm not sure what it's going to feel like or what he'll do to me. I know how big his cock is, and the thought of it going inside such a small place already makes me nervous. But somehow, my dick still manages to twitch in anticipation, as he slips another finger inside.

He brushes over a certain place that makes me see stars. I cry out. "_OHmygodAniki!_WHAT are you doing?"

"Hn," Itachi smirks. "That's your prostate. Feel good, ne?"

I nod in acceptance, trying to hold myself up. It feels like all my muscles have turned to goo. Though I'm sure it could be partially from the drugs... The good thing is the muscle relaxing quality will help with this part. I know it's usually painful so maybe the decision to overdose on Morphine tonight wasn't such a bad one.

"Do it again? ...Please?"

I whine until he gives in. Itachi curls his fingers and it sends delightful shivers through me. I had no idea anal penetration would feel this good. I know it's not even full on sex yet, but still!

"_Ohhh, fuck!_ Just do me _right now_..." I beg pitifully.

"Tsk, tsk... I knew you were a slut Sasuke, but I never thought you'd enjoy being violated this much."

Just hearing him talk turns me on. I wonder if every time will be like this. Before I can even think of anything else to say, he's pumping his fingers in and out, making me squeal with desire. When he feels I'm loosened up enough, I know he's going to go through with it tonight. I'll officially lose my virginity and then I'll be his...

After several pleasure-filled minutes of sweet torture, Itachi stops. He takes out a cock ring and places it around the base of my member. I know he's not going to let me reach completion for a long time. It feels like forever. When he's done, he just _has_to add to it by playing with me, gently stroking my shaft. He chuckles evilly the whole time as I whine and try to thrust into his hand. He's so mean.

I'm too blinded with pleasure and preoccupied with keeping myself on all fours to pay much attention to what else he's doing. I hear him rummaging around in the drawer beside his bed. He takes something out and moves back behind me. I feel something hard and slippery pressing against my entrance. I know it's not him because it's pretty cold.

"What are you doing?"

"Preparing you," I look behind me to see Itachi smirking like hell. "If I entered you now, you'd be split wide open. And we can't have that. So I'm _trying_to be gentle with you."

I just kind of nod. That worries me a little, but I try not to show it. My brother can read me like a book and that unnerves me even further.

Feeling the plastic toy pressing against me entrance, I do my best to relax. It won't do any good to resist him when he's made up his mind like this. Soon, it slides into my waiting depths, and he gives it a good minute before he starts fucking me with it. I just want this to be over, so we can get to the good part.

It's stretching my hole, and every time it moves across my sweet spot it makes me want to cream all over myself... I don't think I can hold it in much longer. And Itachi isn't making it any easier.

"Mmmhh... Please Aniki, may I cum?" I pant, trying desperately to hold back.

"Not yet," His lips nip at my ear from behind. "I want you to wait until I'm inside you."

The way he seems so composed kind of irritates me. He flips a switch, and I realize it's not just a dildo... It's a vibrator. And he keeps sawing back and forth, right over that same spot. It's a maddening feeling wanting to release so badly but being unable to do so. And the intense vibrations are only making it worse.

"You know what?" He rips the vibrator out of my ass and tosses it somewhere behind him rather hastily. "I'm jealous. And I want you now."

Not wanting to wait even another moment, I freely offer up my exposed ass to him. After slicking up his enormous cock, he moves into position behind me. I feel so helpless and vulnerable. Especially knowing that he still has hold of the leash with one hand...

"Are you ready, Otouto?" Smooth hands glide softly over my butt cheeks. I can feel his weight shift a little more.

What kind of a question is that? "Y-yeah, I guess..."

I'm so nervous already. And he hasn't even started yet. I vaguely wonder if this will hurt, but I know that's a stupid question. Sex almost always hurts the first time. I wince when I feel him start to enter me. It's now or never...

"Mmmm..." Itachi's eyes rolls back in his head, when the tip of his cock dips into my ass. "Oh fuck, you're so tight..."

He drives it further into me, until it's all the way inside. I can feel his balls slapping against mine from behind. An odd sensation. I moan once he's fully inside of me. It's a feeling I can't even describe.

Before I know it he's plunging into me wildly, over and over. The stretching does sting a little, but that is easily overpowered by the overwhelming pleasure that pulses through me every time he thrusts deep inside. The effects from the pills I took earlier seem to be wearing off now. The sensations gradually become heightened until I can literally feel the two of us becoming one.

And it's exhilarating. I'm quickly becoming addicted to this feeling. Not due to the feeling itself, but more because of who it's with. I'm stricken with awe, even while we're doing this. He's my older brother, my very own flesh and blood. There is literally nothing separating us now. Just knowing that makes me tingle all over.

Itachi must be feeling it too, because he lets go of the leash which binds me to him. I don't blame him... We're connected enough already.

Suddenly the sheets I'm staring at become the ceiling, the cool mattress becomes warm familiar flesh; my view is twisted as my world turns upside down. I'm met with the most meaningful, vulnerable gaze I can ever remember him giving me... And now I greatly suspect he's feeling it too, every bit as much as I am.

"I want to look at your beautiful face," He explains, seemingly just as lost as I am. "While I fuck you. Mmmmmmhhh..."

I sigh, perfectly content to just lie here and enjoy it. I'm moving against him steadily while he moves back and forth. Just feeling the girth of his huge cock in me is enough to make me want to cum... And I'm sure I would have already, if it weren't for the cock ring around the base of my member. I wish we could stay like this forever, suspended in carnal bliss... Such a shame that it has to end.

"Aniki..." I sigh dreamily, blissfully happy as he pummels me without mercy.

He smirks down at me knowingly. I'm not quite sure what to do, so I let myself go. Moving with pure instinct, I continue pushing back against his thrusts. They're becoming more erratic now and I can tell he's close. It just has that feel to it.

I knew it. He pulls the band off my member and all it takes are a few more thrusts... I spill myself all over him, the smooth creamy spurts covering both of us in pure sin. He fills me with his seed at the same time. Maybe we're more synchronized than we ever knew. We both cry out incoherent babble when the moment finally happens. It's the most amazing feeling in the world, and so different from all the times before when I've made myself cum or had a wet dream. Now I understand why people are so obsessed with sex. If it feels this amazing every time, it makes perfect sense.

I'm so happy, and my mind is spinning while I'm getting comfy on the bed. I thought Itachi might want to lie down with me after such an intense experience. Usually I just go straight to my room, but usually we don't really finished our escapades together. So I'm a little unsure of what to expect.

To my surprise, he gets up and start putting his clothes back on. At least, he's wearing his boxers now.

"Would you like me to get you something to drink?"

I'm not sure why he'd think that, but maybe I look flushed. I am still panting a little. "S-sure, I guess... Water would be nice."

"Hn." He just nods and leaves.

I'm in trouble, I realize. I thought having Itachi's body would be enough. But not until now did I realize just how wrong I was. I'm a nervous wreck, for sure... And all I want at this moment is to scurry back to my room so I can take more pills. But if I did that, he'd probably worry about me and come in and... That wouldn't be good. I don't know why, but I don't want him to find out what I've been doing.

When my brother comes back, he gives me a cool glass of ice water. I take it appreciatively and down it in one gulp.

"Thank you, Aniki..."

He says nothing, just climbs in the other side of his big bed. I wonder if I should move or not. I'd like to spend the night with him but... There have been other nights that I wanted the same. I'm too afraid to ask for it, and he's too afraid to offer. I get it.

"Well, I'll just go. Uhm... See you tomorrow."

I notice a small smile on his face. "Stay."

"What?" My eyes are probably lighting up with wonder, I know. But there's nothing I can really do about it. "You want me to sleep in here? With you?"

"If you want, I mean. Of course," He looks insulted. "It's not like there's any reason you can't. We both live here. Nothing wrong with it. ...As long as it doesn't become a habit or something."

My heart sinks a little at the last statement he made. He seemed to add it at the last second, after thinking it over for a moment. That's okay, for now I'll just take what I can get. I feel kind of awkward right after something like that. I feel something running down my leg, and instantly my face turns bright red.

"Uhhh... Nii-san? I'm sorry, I think I messed up your bed! S-so sorry! I didn't- I, I mean I uhm-"

"It's only the sheets," He replies, nonchalantly. "No big deal Otouto. I can wash them tomorrow. You should go get cleaned up. I'll take care of it for now."

He gets up and grabs a towel from the other side, placing it on the spot where I was sitting. He seems so nonchalant about it. It's like he's done it a million times or something. It makes me wonder about the other lovers Itachi might have had, but I have no way of knowing for sure.

I nod vigorously, grabbing my clothes off the floor as I rush to the bathroom that adjoins his room, wanting to get this stuff off me as soon as possible. His seed is slipping out of my crevice and leaking everywhere. Once I reach the bathroom, I grab a towel and clean myself up. I wish I'd realized this would happen. I guess I wasn't as prepared as I thought I was when all this started.

Looking in the mirror, I notice every single flaw that I have... It's nothing new. It's like this every time I compare myself with him. My face is still neon red with embarrassment. I can't believe that just happened. I bet he thinks I'm a total idiot. I know I can be clumsy sometimes, but this time it's an intimate moment that was just ruined. I can feel the fear building up inside. And most of all, the rejection. Itachi is the one person I want to be with more than anything... And I probably just officially blew my chances.

I put on my clothes, resigning myself to sleep in my own room tonight. There's no point trying to be closer to him when he's this determined to remain at such a distance from me. Once I'm fully dressed, I feel like I'm almost ready to face him again. And then curiosity suddenly gets the best of me.

Opening the mirrored cabinet, I find a bright orange bottle. I wonder how my pills got in there. Then I notice they aren't mine. The name plainly reads 'Itachi Uchiha' and they are clearly labeled 'Xanax'. I vaguely wonder why he'd be taking these...

It's as if my hands take over, reacting automatically without my consent. I know better. Without thinking, I shove a few of the pills into my pocket. I'm sure he probably doesn't count them since he trusts me and I never come into his room, let alone his bathroom. If he does notice them missing, it will be too late. I almost feel guilty for doing this to my brother but part of me feels nothing. I wish all of me could be that numb. I smile at the thought of it, knowing that will soon be the case. But first I have to get past him.

_**But if there's a pill to help me forget,  
God knows I haven't found it yet  
But I'm dying to, God I'm trying to...**_

Making my way casually out of the bathroom, I notice that he's planning to sleep in just his boxers. He seems eager to get me to lie down with him. I know I'm not strong enough to do that right now. Not after what's just happened.

"I think I'll sleep in my own room tonight," I do my best to keep calm. "It's late and I don't think I'd be of much use to you, considering how tired I am. And you know I have trouble falling asleep in new places. So I think it would be best that way."

He tries to smile politely, but I don't think he's buying my excuse. "Oh... Of course, that makes sense. Goodnight Otouto, see you tomorrow."

"Sure Aniki..."

I'm not sure why, and I feel stupid doing it but I go over and give him a quick kiss on the cheek before leaving. He doesn't even try to pull me in for a real kiss, but oddly I am fine with that right now.

From the look of it, he isn't happy about my choice. But he's accepting it anyway. Something else I don't completely understand.

_**But if there's a pill to help me forget,  
God knows I haven't found it yet  
But I'm dying to, God I'm trying to...**_

Sighing to myself as I close the door behind me, I tread lightly back to my room... Where I swallow half of the pills I just took from his medicine cabinet. I lie down in my own bed, patiently waiting for the room to start spinning and my muscles to go slack. I wait for all of my tension to just slip quietly away while I slip quietly into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

Part of me can't even believe what just happened last night. Part of me is wondering when or if it will happen again. And part of me knows it will. That's the part that bothers me... The part that's terrified of what that really means. I get closer to him all the time, and with each passing day my obsession grows worse. And it's bad, because I can feel him slipping further away from me all the time. There's nothing I can do about it. This has to be the worst feeling in the world.

He'd taken me out to breakfast the morning after or first time together. Which was a nice gesture... I guess he could tell I was depressed and wanted to do something nice for me. When I didn't want to spend the whole night with him, I guess that was a clue. He insisted on going to a diner not far from our house. He drove us there and also insisted on paying the bill.

But I'm not naive enough to think it was a date or anything like that. He woke up hungry and didn't want to eat alone... That's it. I'm not going to think anything more of it than that.

Right now, it's late, and we're at a nightclub with some of our mutual friends. He's off dancing in the crowd somewhere, but I'm just sitting alone at the bar. I know better. I don't want to watch him put his hands on someone else. I couldn't stand seeing something like that. I can't even stop it or say anything about it, because that was part of our original agreement. And if I break that, we won't ever be together again.

_...Damn it. _

And the worst part about all of this is that around our friends, we have to maintain the usual brotherly distance. We can't risk letting anyone know what's really going on with us. No overt affection; nothing. People would get the wrong idea. Or technically the right one, but still.

Multicolored lights glare and the music pulses rhythmically in the background. But all I can focus on is Itachi. He looks so amazing dancing on the crowded floor. His movements are so sensual and provocative. I'm having a hard time looking away... But I have to, when I see him look over at me. He's walking this way. I quickly turn around to make it look like I'm doing something else. He can't know that I was watching him, no matter how much I enjoyed it.

Our friends are gathered around us. So I know when he comes over that it's all going to be brotherly. I understand, though.

"Bartender," He slams a ten dollar bill on the counter. "Can I get two drinks? A vodka and tonic for me and whatever my brother wants."

_**'Cause trying not to love you, only goes so far  
Trying not to need you, is tearing me apart...**_

I look over at him and he sends me a conspiratorial wink. Which I don't return. I just glare off into the empty space in front of me. The bartender walks over to us.

"Doesn't look like he's in good spirits," The guy is wearing nothing but a skimpy tight black shirt which barely covers his chest and nothing more than a tight thin pair of shorts. He has short black hair and as much as I hate to admit it, he favors me in the face a little.

I read his nametag. 'Sai'. What a dumb name.

"I don't want anything..." I mutter dryly.

"Awww, come on hun!" Deidara, Itachi's very 'out there' and very blond friend, is on the other side of me. "Don't be like that. Drink it up! Tonight is gonna be a great night. Yeah!" He swishes his ponytail playfully to one side.

"...Whatever. I'll take a lemon drop."

Itachi notes my bad mood. "Come on Otouto. Smile. You look cute when you do."

I'll take whatever tidbits of attention I can get from him, I guess. The bartender comes back in a few seconds to hand us both our drinks. I blink. That was fast.

"Nah," He waves away my brother's hand with the money. "These are on me."

I notice him gazing appreciatively up and down my brother's lithe muscular frame. That really pisses me off. He needs to keep his eyes to himself. That's so unprofessional.

To my surprise, Itachi returns his look. "Careful, or that won't be the only thing on you..."

With that, he turns away and goes immediately back to the dance floor. He knows what kind of mood I'm in. I know that was probably just harmless flirting, but it still upsets me. Though my face and body language in no way show it. I'm very careful to keep on my mask. I can't let anyone know that I care what goes in with my brother. And the only way to stop it would be for me to make a move on the same person he goes for. Which our friends would still think was weird, since I never really flirt with anyone.

_**Can't see the silver lining, from down here on the floor  
And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for...**_

Naruto, my best friend, comes up to me and sits in the seat where my brother just left from. He smiles cheekily at me, but I'm not in the mood.

"Why the long face, Sasuke?" He's sipping something out of a mug that smells like beer. Doesn't seem like something he'd drink, but who am I to judge? He can be a little badass when he wants to be.

"It's nothing, idiot. I'm fine."

"Whenever someone says they're fine, it never goes down like that and we both know it. But if you say so... We'll talk later. Just try to have fun." He nods to the bartender, signaling for him to come over. "Hey, can I get a redheaded slut?"

Sai nods and walks away.

Sasori, Deidara's ginger-haired boyfriend, gives him a sly smile from across the bar. I see Deidara turn around so fast it nearly makes my head spin. "No you can't! Find your own, short stuff. Yeah!"

And Naruto gets his drink, ignoring Itachi's snippy friends. I can't help but notice the fact that Sai charges him full price for his drink. I roll my eyes, no longer caring who sees.

"Seriously man... Try to lighten up, okay? See ya!"

My friend vanishes into the crowd as well and I am left alone. It's like that for most of the night. Our various friends coming up to us and making idle chitchat until the club closes. I resolve to stay by the bar all night. I don't want to risk Itachi flirting with this guy without me here. At the very least, I want to make sure I know what happens. So I stay there for a while, sipping on my drink and ordering more when I finish one. Nothing else happens and I lose my thoughts in the sea of people who are dancing. I have no clue where Itachi is, but he hasn't come back yet.

"Can I get another?" I motion to the dark haired guy, signaling that I want yet another lemon drop. This would be my fourth or fifth one. I've lost count.

Sai smiles smugly and brings me another. "That'll be four bucks."

I know better. They only cost three fifty but I've been paying four for mine all night. Well, since my brother left anyway. This guy is such an ass. Next time, I'm definitely going to suggest to everyone that we go somewhere else. One of the advantages of not talking a lot is that when I actually do say something, everyone listens.

More than anything, I just want to get out of here. It's been a terrible night and I cannot wait until everyone decides it's time to leave. This place is making me more and more uncomfortable.

"Otouto," Itachi was right behind me. I wonder how long he's been there. He looks into my eyes, which are probably a little bloodshot. His face looks blurry. "Don't you think you might've had enough?"

"Nope."

That was all he'd get out of me. I'm being cold to him. And he knows it.

"Fine," He motions for the bartender again. "He's not giving you a hard time, is he?"

Sai smiles. It looks so cheap and fake that I have to roll my eyes again. This time it's more exaggerated, thanks to the alcohol pulsing through my system. "Not at all. But I kind of wish someone would be 'hard on me', if ya know what I mean." His eyes move up and down Itachi's body again.

"That might be fun." Totally ignoring me, he takes out his cell phone. "Wanna give me your number? What time do you get off?"

"Whenever you want," The dickhead actually had the audacity to say.

What a whore. I hate people like him. This Sai character is really rubbing me the wrong way. No pun intended. He's making the cheesiest puns and I know we've all had enough of that for one night.

He gives Itachi his number, which he has memorized. I notice Itachi doesn't give him his number in return. But still. I'm fuming by the time their little flirtatious exchange is over... I can't stand the thought of losing him to someone like this! Outwardly, I show nothing more than a cool facade. Yet, the inner turmoil is driving me insane with rage. I'm so jealous that it's actually making me physically nauseous. And the worst part of all is not being able to show it; having to keep it all inside.

_**'Cause trying not to love you  
Only makes me love you more...**_

"Why don't you come home with me tonight?" Itachi purrs. Normally I love it, but this time it's sickening. "We don't live that far from here and I can promise it would be fun. What do you say?"

Before the guy can answer him, he's called over to the other side of the bar by a different customer. He holds up a finger to my brother to signal that he'll be right back. Thank goodness he's working right now.

My thoughts and feelings are discarded so easily... I feel it all slipping away from me. Itachi treats me like one of the guys, nothing special. But I idolize him. I always have. He's the one who loves me. Maybe not with his emotions, but with his body. And no matter how cruel he is, I will always keep coming back for more. That's what we do; it's all we have.

And now I'm about to lose all of it. I can tell. Like a cheap illusion...

I slam my glass down on the bar. _Hard._"I'll have another."

"Four bucks..." Sai mutters when he comes back, turning away from the scene we all know is probably about to happen.

"Don't you think you've had enough?" Itachi asks me gently, causing the bartender to hesitate getting me another lemon drop.

How can he be so calm at a time like this? Casually discarding me for someone else, so easily... It's _disgusting_. And I hate it. All I feel at the moment is hatred. And I miss my damn pills! All I want is to drink my ass off and go the hell home.

_**So I sit here divided, just talking to myself  
Was it something that I did?  
Was there somebody else?**_

"Stay out of it!" I turn to the slut behind the bar, angrily shoving the money in his face. "Get. Me. _Another_. Now."

"I'll handle it," Itachi stops me and offers him a five dollar bill which he takes greedily. I guess now that he's guaranteed to get laid in the near future, he'll let him pay full price. "But I think you've had a little much, so this is the last one."

Sai makes the mistake of giving me the drink. Then I say loudly, "Thanks slut."

The bartender just stares at me, confused. I don't really care what he thinks at this point. I quickly down at least half the drink at once. He might be used to people jokingly calling him that. For all I know, he refers to himself that way. He just seems like the type who might.

I notice we've gained the attention of at least half the people at the bar right now. I couldn't care less.

"Come on Otouto. It's time to go."

I don't even argue. Quickly downing the rest of my drink, I get up to leave. "Good. I'm more than ready to go home... Without the whore tagging along!"

Sighing, Itachi grabs my arm and leads me away from the bar. He's not exactly that gentle with me, as we're weaving in and out of all the bodies on the dance floor. I notice Deidara following us and trying to help as much as he can by moving people out of the way. Sasori, his boyfriend, is trailing quietly behind us. They're Itachi's friends and I have no use for either of them right now. Especially if he plans to keep hiding everything from them.

I know it's partially due to the alcohol... I'm not thinking straight right now. And I'm understandably pissed off.

"Where are we going?" I demand, drunkenly.

"To the car. You're going home. Come on."

When we get there, I allow him to put me in the car. Mostly due to the fact that his hands are on me. And I love the feeling, but it feels so painful for him to let go... The door is still open and I can hear him talking to his friends.

Itachi is completely dominant and it shows. Even around his friends. "Sasori, could you go back in and let Naruto know that Sasuke had to go home? We don't need to make him worry. I'm sure he'll let the rest of his friends know too."

"Sure, no prob. I'll be back in a few." Sasori nods and goes back inside. He doesn't seem to mind leaving Deidara's side.

"Anything I can do, hun?" The long haired, effeminate blond seems genuinely concerned. "Is he alright?"

Itachi seems hesitant for a moment. "...He'll be fine. He's just had too much to drink. I need to get him home."

"Do you need me to drive him? I know how much you were into that cutie behind the bar. I could have Sasori bring you home later and I could stay there with Sasuke until you get home, if you want. Then we could take off."

The knot in my stomach tightens hearing Deidara say that. It confirms that it wasn't just me. And I wasn't overreacting! Everyone else could see what he was doing too. And now Deidara is trying to help him get to bring that sleazy bartender home with him! Well, I won't stand for it.

"Thanks for the offer," He seems ready to accept it. Almost. "But I'd rather just call it a night. Don't worry about it. I'll give you a call later and we'll hang out next weekend or something?"

Deidara seemed to accept his answer without question. "Alright. Later, yeah?"

"Later." Itachi gave him a quick handshake and then walked around to the driver's side to get in the car. He watched his friend go back into the club.

He started the engine, and I felt even sicker once he closed his door and took off. I expect him to be yelling on the way home. But when he stays silent, I crouch even lower in my seat. I don't have a clue how to handle this. I've already screwed up what was supposed to be a nice night out. The guilt of my actions is becoming overwhelming while we're on our way home.

_**When a voice from behind me, that was fighting back tears  
Sat right down beside me, whispered right in my ear  
Said, I've been dying to tell you...**_

If only our friends knew what really went on, behind closed doors... I'm sure they wouldn't be as nice to us and offer their help like this. Probably wouldn't even talk to us anymore. I still can barely believe Deidara of all people was willing to play babysitter for the night.

By the time we get home, I realize that he still hasn't said a single word to me. Now I _know _he's pissed. I'm sure he's furious over what happened, especially since I stopped him from getting laid. Which would have happened if I hadn't been there. And the worst part is

Getting out of the car, I wait for him to unlock the door, before darting inside the apartment and practically running into my room. I locked the door behind me so he couldn't come in. ...Not that he'd want to anyway.

To my surprise, I hear him fumbling with the doorknob to my room. "Otouto?" His voice is quiet and low. Unreadable.

"Don't even bother. Just leave me alone. Go away Itachi."

I don't even call him Aniki. Now he knows for sure that something is up. But I'm sure it was obvious to him anyway.

Curling up into a little ball on the bed, I grab both bottles of pills out of the drawer and take off the caps. I swallow as many as I can with the water that was luckily left on my nightstand from last night.

"Let me come in. I just want to talk," My brother pleads.

"There's no use. I'm not letting you in. We can talk tomorrow, just leave me alone!"

I let him lead me around like a pretty little pet. I do whatever he tells me to. But he'll never take away my precious pills. They're the only escape I have anymore. I like the way they make my head swim, I like how they help me relax, and I love that they make me completely numb... He can't take that away from me!

Soon I'll feel the sweet release I'm craving. And he can't hurt me anymore then. I know he wants to make it better, but part of me doesn't want him to. As long as he's an asshole to me, it will make it easier to hate him. And if I hate him, I can't love him. ...Right?

"Come on, Sasuke... Please let me in? I'm worried about you."

"No you're not. You're angry. And so am I!" I speak with such venom and scorn in my voice. And I still don't care. I want him to know I'm pissed. "If you really need someone to cuddle with so damn bad, why don't you just go back to the club and pick up your whore for the night? I hate you!"

I throw the empty water glass at the door, and it shatters. The pieces fall uselessly to the floor. I make no effort to retrieve them. They can stay there for all I care...

I don't care that I'm mixing Morphine and Xanax. I've done it before. That will just make it better. The numb feeling will be more intense and last longer. Coupled with the alcohol already in my system, I should be feeling pretty good by the time all is said and done. So I lie there on the bed, alone and lifeless. I can hear a small sigh and the faint sounds of my brother's feet shuffling down the hallway, to his own room. He's giving up. That shows how much he cares. He isn't even willing to try. And I don't blame him.

I'm worthless.

The room starts to spin, once the pills kick in. My life is flashing before my eyes, and I finally realize what a waste of time and space I've been. After tonight, I now see how much I actually hold Itachi back and I know it would be better if I weren't around at all. There would be one less person here for him to take care of, and he could go out and fuck all kinds of guys like he wants and have a great life.

_**But if there's a pill to help me forget,  
God knows I haven't found it yet  
But I'm dying to, God I'm trying to...**_

...I've finally realized the truth. I want to die. And that's probably what's happening. That's what it feels like, anyway. My chest feels unusually tight like it's constricting all around me. That's so confusing... Like, I'm tired? And it feels like there's no more air in the room and I'm suffocating. Or floating? Not sure... I feel lighter, and it's something close to drowning. Peaceful and blissful... I'm drifting away. I'm not even alarmed about it. It's so serene and calm...

_**'Cause trying not to love you, only goes so far  
And trying not to need you, is tearing me apart  
Can't see the silver lining, from down here on the floor  
And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for'  
Cause trying not to love you  
Only makes me love you more  
Only makes me love you more...**_

In my final moments, I can hear someone calling out. A loud scream fills the room, and then... Silence. Dizzying, blissful silence.

Everything is cold and dark. I'm gone.

* * *

When I open my eyes, there is a bright white light. I can't see a thing. I wonder where I've gone... I know this is not my room. Or my house, for that matter. But I'm just lying here, not knowing what to do.

I'm staring at something... A ceiling? And I hate it. I wish I could go back to where I was... I was safe; I was numb.

A girl dressed in plain dark blue walks into the room. She has very long straight black hair and light blue eyes. But I don't recognize her. Who let her in here? "...Sasuke? You're awake?" The girl seems very surprised. She has an abnormally soft, meek voice. I wonder how she even knows my name.

"Who the hell are you?" My own voice sounds strange. Dry, raspy and weak. "Where am I?"

I try to get out of this... bed, maybe? But I can't move that much. When I do, it hurts like hell. I have the worst migraine headache that I've ever had in my life. And there is something stuck in my arm. It hurts when I notice it, so I try not to move that arm too much. This is so disorienting. I wish they'd quit playing games already... Whoever 'they' are.

"Oh, this is a hospital. I'm your nurse. My name is Hinata. Uhm... We didn't expect you to be awake yet after the treatment. Hold on... Stay right here and don't move, please."

She leaves the room. It seems like she's in a hurry.

I try to do what she says. If that's true, then I have no idea what happened... Maybe I overdosed? Oh god. I hope not. Itachi will be so angry with me, for sure. He'll never touch me again. The pit of my stomach sinks like a stone. I know he's pissed off at me. Not that I blame him. I vaguely recall making an ass out of myself last night.

At least I think it was last night? I don't even know... I guess I'll wait until that girl comes back and ask her. I don't even know how I got here, but I'm sure it wasn't him. He'd never help me if I did something stupid like that, so soon after locking him out of my room. He'll kick me out of the apartment now. And probably never talk to me again.

When she finally does come back, she's holding a tray of food. "You're probably hungry. You should try to eat, but be careful not to eat too quickly."

"No I'm not hungry," I reply. "I want to know what happened. How'd I even get here? Who brought me? Do you know where my friends are?"

"Your brother brought you in about a week ago. You've undergone many treatments since then and you were in a light coma since you arrived."

"..." I'm stunned. I have no idea what to even say. "_What_?"

"I just called him to let him know that you're awake. He was your only emergency contact listed. We almost lost you several times. The doctor will be in to see you soon and he will explain everything. Don't worry, just try to eat something and take it easy."

I nod, just taking a moment to take in all of that information.

"Is there anything I can get for you?"

"No, I'll be fine."

The nurse walks out again, leaving me alone. How nice. In any case, it's probably better that I'm alone for now. I have a lot to reflect on.

I notice that the sharp pain in my arm is being caused by an I.V. needle. I can't read the medication bag to see what it is they're giving me. But I decide to leave it be for now. At least it's in my left arm. I manage to sit up, just barely, and already my stomach is growling. That nurse was right, I do need to eat. I taste the bland food and it isn't very good, but it works. Whatever. If it's all I have I can deal with it.

I'm such an idiot... Itachi's never going to forgive me. Not for a fiasco like that. And especially now that he thinks I've tried to take my own life. That wasn't my actual intention, but I'm sure he'll never buy that.

I finish all of the food that's on my tray and for some reason I'm still hungry. I don't know if I can get out of bed or not, but it's probably best to lie here for now. She said something about a doctor. I'll wait until he gets here. In the meantime, I guess all I can do is worry about everything. I'm kind of freaking myself out and causing an inner panic when the door opens again.

A bearded man in a long white coat walks in. That didn't take long. "Hi, I'm Dr. Fitzgerald. I wanted to see how you're feeling. Recovery is going to a take a bit of time. How are you feeling, Sasuke?"

"Alright I guess..." I mutter, looking down and refraining from too much eye contact. Just like I did with the nurse earlier.

"That's good. You've shown improvement since you got here. We had to pump your stomach and your throat may be sore from that, as well as the charcoal we had to use to stop the drugs from being further absorbed into your system. We also had to give you- Well, there's a long list of medication. Here."

He gives me a bunch of papers, which I have no interest in. "I don't care what happened. I feel fine. Where is my brother?"

"He isn't here... I believe he left."

My heart sinks. "...Oh. Okay then. When can I go home?" Not that I actually want to.

"We'll have to do a few tests, but then if everything is alright, you will be discharged."

I decide the fastest way to get through this is just to cooperate with the doctor. He prods me with all kinds of shiny cold instruments before finally concluding that I am indeed okay and can be sent home.

"Don't do this kind of thing again," He warns. "I'm providing you with discharge instructions and also referring you to a psychiatrist. If this happens again I want you to come back to the emergency room right away. You can follow up with your primary physician in two weeks."

"Okay, thanks."

I'm just trying to get through this. I'm sure he can tell how badly I just want to go. I keep nervously glancing at the door every chance I get.

"I'll have the nurse bring in your discharge papers and get you out of here."

He's gone and I just know it's going to still be a long wait until I can actually go. But at least this should speed up the process. I don't know why I'm so adamant about leaving. Facing Itachi after something like this isn't going to be fun. I know he's already pissed off... But it can't be helped. At the very least, I'll need to go get my belongings from the apartment that we once shared. I know he won't want anything more to do with me now. I'm broken.

It feels like an eternity of waiting. This reminds me of when I was in school and I got in trouble and had to wait in line for the principal's office. So much negative anticipation and it's killing me...  
After at least a full hour of waiting, my interest is suddenly piqued when I hear the door handle turn. I'm expecting to see the nurse come through with the paperwork, but instead I see a familiar face.

"Aniki?" I can't help but to call him the first thing that comes to mind... Even if I was angry with him the last time we were together. I want to remove the gentle lilt of my voice as I say it, but it just doesn't come out that way. Damn it.

He says nothing, just walks in with a serious expression. Before I know it, he's standing beside the bed and staring down at me. Emotionless, he sits on the edge of the bed. And that's when I see it... A single tear slides from his eye and rolls down his cheek.

"Don't ever scare me like that again..."

_**That trying not to love you, only went so far  
Trying not to need you, was tearing me apart  
Now I see the silver lining, from what we're fighting for  
We just keep on trying, we could be much more...**_

When he embraces me, I feel like everything is okay. And even if it isn't, for that one sweet moment all I can feel is his love encircling me. Whether brotherly or that of a lover is irrelevant. It feels safe and warm. Part of me never wants this moment to end. What a shame that it has to.

"I... I scared you?" I lightly pull away and he strokes the side of my face tenderly. This is so unlike him.

"I thought I was going to lose you for good," Itachi smiles now, a genuine smile. "I couldn't stand it if that happened. I've been here every day watching over you. I had to go to work but I left as soon as they called and told me you were finally awake."

"You're not mad?"

He gently kisses me. "I could never stay angry with you, Otouto. You should know that. I just want to know why you did something so reckless. Why would you try to take your own life?"

"I... Aniki, I'm just..." I feel like I'm about to cry.

And then I turn into a complete sobbing mess. He holds me while I cry it out. "Sasuke... Don't cry... It will be okay."

_**'Cause trying not to love you  
Oh, yeah, trying not to love you  
Only makes me love you more  
Only makes me love you more...**_

It amazes me how understanding he's being right now. Itachi is my brother, and like it or not, I will always have to deal with him. The bad thing is, I love him as so much more than that. We've committed the ultimate taboo together. I realize why it's so taboo now. It's really screwing up our lives. All I want is to be with him. Nothing more, nothing less. But I know in my heart it's too much to ask. We had agreement set up for a reason, because he didn't want to get too attached.

I've been fighting with every ounce of my being not to love Itachi... But deep down, I know it's a futile effort. I will have to find a way to shut off my feelings, once and for all. I can't let this get the better of me.

Trying so hard not to love him, only seems to make me love him that much more. "It's not fair..."

"I know."

Taking my hands, he presses them beside my head onto the pillow. My brother pins me to the clean white hospital bed beneath him. When he notices it, he gently removes the I.V. needle from my arm. The pain is so sweet when it comes from something he does. And I'll never understand it. Then again, I don't need to.

We have a silent understanding... We always have.

Drunk with lust, I moan as he bites gradually up my neck until he reaches my lips. His tongue slides in at just the perfect moment. I reciprocate the kiss. I don't know what else to

o. He's driving me insane. I want him; I need him... This was unexpected and I don't even care. All I want is for him to be inside of me right this instant. I want to tell him that, but he isn't even giving me a chance to talk. I tangle my hands in his long sexy black hair, pulling out his hair tie in the process.

A curtain of pure darkness cascades all around me, sweeping along the sides of my face. His hands dance across my skin. I writhe upward into his touch. I'm so eager to figure all of this out. In the end, I know physical contact with my brother will solve nothing.

I don't care.

He moves his hips on top of mine, grinding his erection against my own. I can feel the stiffness inside his jeans easily through the thin cotton hospital gown I'm wearing. It must look so tacky with it's little blue flowers everywhere... I hate it.

"Otouto... You're beautiful. I love you." He states it so easily, coming out of nowhere.

"I don't know what to say to you," I try to shrug it off.

"I know how you feel. Otherwise I wouldn't- Nevermind. Look, I know we had an agreement but when we get home we need to talk. Mmmmn..."

Itachi is forced to stop talking when he realizes that I'm stroking his arousal. I want to get inside his pants so I can do it better, but he's not letting me. He tries to pull my hand away, but I persist.

I've gotten bold. But I've also had a lot of time to think... I don't want to face my life without my brother in it. That isn't a possibility for me. I no longer care if other people find out. I'm done caring what they think. If he finds out how I feel, oh well. Even if he doesn't feel the same way.

Life is so much better when you just don't give a fuck anymore.

I moan and squirm around under his warm, toned body. It seems he's giving in... He bites my neck again, before traveling further south.

"I think we need to get you out of these hospital clothes..." A predatory smirk crosses his face. "They look hideous."

All I can bring myself to do is nod in agreement. I'm so hard right now I can't even stand it, and it's painfully obvious since I'm not wearing any underwear. He has such easy access right now. It's awesome. I feel his hands groping my hardened flesh. He gives it a squeeze and I close my eyes. It feels so good...

"Please, Aniki!" I moan softly.

I buck my hips into his hand. His smile grows. Itachi takes me into his mouth, and begins sucking on the dripping tip of my cock. His tongue strokes along the underside. I stop him when I hear the door open.

"Uhm..." We hear a light feminine voice. "I... I'll j-just come back a little later..."

Before we can do anything, the nurse flees the room. I can't help but laugh a bit at the fact that we've just been caught. Itachi has already stopped what he's doing. The last thing we want to do is scar anyone for life. They already know we're brothers, so this isn't good. He's busy putting his hair back up and trying not to look too disheveled.

She only waits a few minutes before knocking quietly at the door. She doesn't try to come in this time.

"You can come in," I try to regain my composure.

Thinking quickly, I grab the pillow and use it to cover my lap. Hinata, I think that was here name anyway, walks in blushing like crazy.

"I've brought your discharge papers..." She stares at the floor, careful not to look me in the face. Hers is a deep shade of red. "Have a n-nice day." And then she runs out.

She knew. It was my brother. And we were just doing... _things _together. She seemed a lot more embarrassed about it than we were. Which is kind of weird, when you think about it. We should have known better than to do something like that. But I think we were too caught up in the moment to even care.

"We should go home, Otouto. We can talk on the way."

Silently, I nod and climb out of bed. "Yeah, well... I'm sick of this place anyway."

I find my clothes in a stack on the chair next to the bed. Itachi can't seem to stop chuckling under his breath, as I'm getting dressed.

"What's so funny?"

"You're just cute." He smirks, taking out his car keys. "Are you ready?"

"Yeah, let's go."

I don't think the nurse told anyone what we were doing. No one gave us any strange looks or asked any weird questions while we walked out of the building. It was relatively hassle-free. If the nurse reacted that way, maybe other people would too? She seemed about as accepting of it as if she'd walked in on another couple, a straight non-related couple, even. So who knows? Maybe we will be okay after all.

We reach the car, and my brother cranks the stereo all the way up, as usual. It's on a rock station of course... So that makes it even harder to talk over it. I guess maybe some things don't need to be said between us.

To my surprise, I see his hand reaching for the power button. He presses it and I suddenly realize that he's painted his nails again. I can't believe I didn't notice until now. Itachi only does that when he's extremely stressed. He used to do it as a teenager all the time, and when people would make fun of his black and purple fingernails or call him gay, he'd just shrug it off and explain that it helped him calm down when he was stressed. And it was better than smoking, so our parents had always allowed it. Notice that I didn't say they liked it. I'm sure our father didn't.

I can't help but wonder if they would be as understanding and calm as the nurse at the hospital. Now we're surrounded by the deafening silence. Once again it's awkward, like a wedge being driven between us.

"I wasn't kidding about that talk," He says, now that we're on the freeway driving home.

"I'm not sure what we're supposed to talk about. I'm not going to do it again, okay?"

"I got rid of all the pills at the house. So I'm not that worried about it. If I ever catch you with any more, you'll be in a lot of trouble."

So now he's doubting me? What kind of person does he think I am? "Good. I won't be needing anything."

_ '...Except you.'_ I silently add. _'And I can't even have that.'_

It's funny how out loud I'm being calm but in my head I sound bitter. And betrayed.

"Hn. Well I think we'll be okay, but there's something you should know."

"What's that?"

"I know you probably thought I was trying to replace you with the bartender that night... I was actually hoping we could have a threesome with him. But by the time I realized you weren't on board, it was too late. I thought we had an agreement and-"

My face feels warm. His words have ignited a surge of emotion. I'm not sure what to call it. I don't even know if it's good or bad at this point. But I can't stop the tears from coming...

"Aniki, that's enough. I don't wanna talk about this anymore." I cross my arms defensively.

"Fine, but our agreement is off."

I narrow my eyes. "What you mean? Are you saying you don't want to be with me anymore?"

"No, Otouto." Everything freeze when he pulls up to a stoplight in our neighborhood. "I'm saying just the opposite."

We aren't that far from home now. I'm frozen in silence, and luckily the music comes back on. I'm just staring out the window, hoping he doesn't mean what I think he does. Part of me knows. I was stupid to think-

"What a minute... What?" I turn the music down, so we can still hear it but also talk at the same time.

We pull into the driveway. Itachi doesn't respond, but he parks the car before taking off his seat belt and walking around to open my door for me. When I get out, he pins me against the side of the door. My ass causes it to slam shut with a loud thud. He has me trapped now and I'm not sure what to do. So I just stand there, looking at him blankly and waiting for something. I don't even know what.

"I love you Sasuke. I always have. I made those rules so you wouldn't find out but... Every time I try not to love you, it just makes me love you even more."

He kisses me passionately, like I've never been kissed before.

_**That trying not to love you, only went so far  
Trying not to need you, was tearing me apart  
Now I see the silver lining, from what we're fighting for  
We just keep on trying, we could be much more**_...

As much as I hate to stop him, once I catch my breath I move away a little. "We should go inside. What if someone sees?"

"I don't care who sees us or knows that we're together. It's just something that we'll have to face eventually."

Now I know everything will be okay. Holding my hand, he leads me inside... And closes the door, sealing the rest of the world outside.

_**'Cause trying not to love you  
Oh, yeah, trying not to love you  
Only makes me love you more  
Only makes me love you more...**_

* * *

A/N: Whew! I hope that was worth it... I did the best I could with the song prompt. I had to do a surprising amount of research for the plot line that I wanted to do, but hopefully it was worth it. I don't feel like the ending was that great but I am always horrible with endings. It's something I need to get better at.

I've found out that is removing a lot of the adult oriented M-rated fiction that is submitted. If my work is taken down, I won't put it back up again. I'm sorry but I can't risk that. Worst case scenario, if my account is deleted, my Yaoi fics can be found on my Y!gallery account. Ask me in private for the link. You must be 18 but you really shouldn't be reading these if you aren't mature enough to handle them anyway. And I might have to post my work on AdultFanfictionNet or somewhere else if they remove my account. But it should be the same name, or a variation of it, like Kaline-chan or etc.

It's my opinion (along with many others) that the site should just add filters for adult content, rather than purging everything. The link to a petition for this exact cause can be found on my profile. Just saying... And I'm just preparing you, because this may very well be the last fanfic I can post.

-k.R.


End file.
